“And so, instill Your awe Hashem our G-d, within all Your works, and Your trepidation within all that You have created” (Rosh Hashana Amida prayer)
Over the past few months with a newborn baby, my daily goal (along with basic survival) has been to get out for a walk. Between feedings and diapers, I would put my little guy in the stroller and set out on our journey. As part of my routine it became an anchor of reality, traversing sidewalks, navigating garbage bins on collection day and dodging road work. Settling into a rhythm I began to notice patterns: which days gardeners were at work, who was cleaning out their basement and which side of the road got more shade.
There was the house I’d walk by with a toddler often standing at the window, face plastered to the glass. There was the porch with two women usually sitting out front with their tea. These people became part of my landscape, sights I looked forward to seeing. It was comforting to discover such predictability as I struggled to find my equilibrium. If my internal world felt a bit upside down, at least there was stability along the literal road.
I wondered if I was likewise part of their landscape. Did they expect to see that woman pushing a stroller mid-morning? Did they notice the days I took a different route or seemed more tired? Or was I basically invisible? An anonymous walker blending into the scenery of sidewalk action?
Then I got a text message from a friend: “I spotted you walking with your baby yesterday!” Huh, not so invisible. The following week I met someone who said she’d been driving by and seen me out on a walk. My question seemed to be finding a Divine answer: “Yes, I see you”. I might have been setting out in my own world, intent on merely pushing the stroller a few blocks, but I was noticed.
Being seen brings both comfort and responsibility. If I am witnessed, then what I do and how I act matters. At a deep level we all crave significance, to know that our choices and actions can effect change. But this desire comes with a weighty side – we cannot stroll out into the world without consequence. Our every step and move reverberates in the universe. If there is a time of year I need this reminder, it is now.
As we prepare for a new year it is easy to become overwhelmed by the tasks ahead, “how can I get it done?” “will I really change?” and “can I manage?” are among the questions I am asking. We can feel small in comparison to what needs to be accomplished. And then there is a text message “I spotted you” and suddenly I am not alone trudging this path. My soul is once again connected to a consciousness of her Creator. There is One who is supervising my every step – and yes, helping me along the way.
My daily walks have changed as my baby is getting older and the days are cooling down. I still avoid certain streets on garbage day and am enjoying the first hints of autumn. I’m hoping with the steps ahead, I will remember a little more that I am indeed being watched, which means that what I do and how I live matters. The question then is not if we are noticed, but what we are going to do along the road ahead. I’ll see you out there.
With love,
ilana
Last modified: December 15, 2019
